Stuff
S T U F F T O D I E F O R

ANTIQUE CURIOS

Baltimore, MD

Collector's Study

At The Walters Art Museum. Cute & macabre clutter galore.

BAKED RAVIOLI

Washington, DC

Filomena Ristorante

Sandi Ravioli is so crispy outside, fluffy in, it won't really even matter what your date looks like.

BEIGNETS

New Orleans, LA

Café du Monde

Diabetes pillows.

BOSTON BUTT

East Berlin, PA

Wayne Nell & Sons Meats

Sometimes the best butt isn't a butt at all.

BUNS

New York, NY

Golden Steamer

Pork, pumpkin, egg custard, red bean, chicken, maybe even your mother-in-law. Not all in one bun. BRING CASH.

CARAMEL

Boston, MA (ships)

McCrea's

So soft you could lose your dog in it.

CARROT CAKE

York, PA

Festive Board

Buy it by the cake, not the slice (they wrap single slices in cellophane, ruining the texture). Once you taste it, you'll be happy to have the leftover. If you're not, just give it to me.

CHEESE CURLS

USA (ships)

Target Brand

The perfected, mass produced, addictive, salty taste of capitalism.

CHOCOLATE

Berlin, Germany (ships)

Rausch

The best filler for that hole in your soul.

CHICKEN EMPANADAS

Frederick, MD

Sabor de Cuba

Get the garlic sauce. Don't forget the garlic sauce. Ever.

CHURCHES

New York, NY & Lewes, DE

Little Church

Prime place for a nap.

St. Peter's Episcopal Church

If you wander in here, late at night, you might find me performing to empty pews. You're welcome to stay for the show.

CLAM CHOWDER

Boston, MA

B&G Oysters

A tiny touch of pig.

CLOTHING CATALOG

J. Peterman

The sales are great, especially if you're naked.

CRAB CAKES

Baltimore, MD

Faidley's

Better than their raccoon & muskrat, but why pass up the opportunity? Order them fried.

FREE CIRCUS ACTS

Las Vegas, NV

Circus Circus

It's like a beautiful, abandoned clock that just keeps running anyway.

FRENCH FRIES

Worldwide

Shake Shack

Every crinkle has a crisp! EVERY ONE!

FRIED CHICKEN

New Orleans, LA

Willie Mae's Scotch House

Shove it, Popeyes.

FRIED FISH

Los Angeles, CA

El Mercadito Mariachi Restaurant

Two sides of a delectably crispy mojarra frita.

FRIED SEAFOOD

San Pedro, CA

San Pedro Fish Market

Pick it fresh, get it fried, then eat the whole pile. Watch out for the one-legged gull.

FURNITURE HIDE GLUE

Worldwide (ships)

Titebond

Good, old fashioned hide glue, to keep your wood stiff without hurting it. They're also very pleasant & helpful; ask them anything.

GARAMOND TYPEFACE

Garamond Premier

By Robert Slimbach. Like your primped, pristine aunt.

EB Garamond

By Georg Duffner. Like your wrinkled, story-telling uncle.

GIBRALTERS

Salem & Andover, MA (ships)

Ye Olde Pepper Candy Companie

Peppermint, aged at least a few months. (Especially when paired with Wilbur Buds.)

GIDEONS BIBLES

Most Hotel Rooms
Just take them. Free gift.

HOT FUDGE SUNDAE

Baltimore, MD

The Charmery

Ice cream, fudge, & whipped cream all made in-house, probably by elves.

LISTS OF STUFF

I showed you mine, now show me yours!

LIVE JAZZ

New Orleans, LA

Preservation Hall

If you don't dance, your butt needs a new bug.

LOBSTER ROLLS

Boston, MA

Neptune Oyster

Hot with butter, just like your mom.

LUBRICANT

Worldwide (ship)

Sliquid Natural Gel

Slip-n-slide.

MA LA CHICKEN

Rehoboth, DE

Confucius

#35B. It's like getting stung by angry, delicious insects. Since you like dead birds, also try the peking duck.

McSWEENEY'S

mcsweeneys.net

Profound literature.

MINI REVOLVERS

Provo, UT (ships)

MOUSE TRAP

Worldwide (ships)

Havahart

Don't kill what you're not going to eat.

MUSEUM OF JURASSIC TECHNOLOGY

Culver City, CA

mjt.org

Now with pigeons.

MÜTTER MUSEUM

Philadelphia, PA

College of Physicians of Philadelphia

Cancer in a jar & the like.

NATIONAL ZOO

Washingtion, DC

nationalzoo.si.edu

Cute AND alive.

OFFICE SUPPLIES

New York, NY

McNally Jackson

No matter how far you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

PEKING DUCK

Philadelphia, PA & Rehoboth, DE

Sang Kee

Of all the "Sang Kee"s in Philly, this is the proper one.

Confucius

#15. On sale on Sundays.

POCKET KNIVES

Worldwide (ships)

Opinel

N°08, stabby.

PAINTINGS

York, PA (ships)

Dillon Samuelson

Phantasmagraphical.

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lewes, DE (ships)

Randy Roberts

Shoots without killing.

PIZZA

New York, NY

Lombardi's

BRING CASH.

DACQUOISE CAKE

Worldwide

Plaisir Sucré from Ladurée

6 perfect layers that will distract you from every horror the Mütter Museum reminded you of.

PLUSHIES

York, PA (ships)

Spooky Cutes

They're so cute, they might kill you.

POPOVERS

Cazenovia, NY

Lincklaen House

With butter, honey. Also, scrumptious traditional potato chips.

SATANIC TEMPLE

USA

thesatanictemple.com

Join from anywhere. Tell your mother at Thanksgiving.

SPORK

Worldwide (ships)

Light My Fire

A friend so good, you'll keep putting them in your mouth.

SOAP

Worldwide (ships)

Dr. Bronner's

Don't let the name fool you; he wasn't a doctor of any kind. He was nuts, but he could also wash them. & your hair. & your clothes. & your dishes. & your dog. I dare you to read the whole bottle.

SOUP DUMPLINGS

New York & Flushing, NY

Joe's Shanghai

Bite the tip, suck it out, ENDORPHINS.

GUMMY CANDY

Lancaster, PA

Sweetish

A big, beautiful wall......of Swedish gummy candy!Including the original fish & countless other Scandinavian chocolates & confectionery.

TACOS

Baltimore, MD

Clavel

Cochinita Pibil; this pig died for a cause.

THE SARTORIALIST

thesartorialist.com

Next best to nude.

TRES LECHES CAKE

New York, NY

Cosme

Perhaps the most delicious free confectionery. Just say it's your birthday or anniversary. All else is also delectable.

TURKISH DELIGHT

Surrey, BC, Canada (ships)

Bayco Confectionery

Eat a jelly flower.

WATCHES

Worldwide (ships)

Charles-Hubert

Free service until you expire, so you can watch every futile second tick by.

WILBUR BUDS

Lititz, PA (ships)

Wilbur Chocolate

The "Hershey Kiss" is a scam knock-off of this better predecessor. Sue me, Milton.

WOOD SOAP

Worldwide (ships)

Murphy Oil Soap

Clean your wood; make it smell good.
In stores worldwide.