Breads BakeryChocolate, obviously.
New York, NY

Café du MondeDiabetes pillows.
New Orleans, LA

Wayne Nell & Sons MeatsSometimes the best butt isn't a butt at all.
East Berlin, PA

Golden SteamerPork, pumpkin, egg custard, red bean, chicken, maybe even your mother-in-law. Not all in one bun. BRING CASH.
New York, NY

McCrea'sSo soft you could lose your dog in it.

TargetThe perfected, mass produced taste of capitalism.

RauschThe best filler for that hole in your soul.

PerrydellPet the baby cows out back, or else they'll steal your children in the night.
York, PA

Sabor de CubaGet the garlic sauce. Don't forget the garlic sauce. Ever.
Frederick, MD

Faidley'sBetter than their raccoon & muskrat, but why pass up the opportunity?
Baltimore, MD

Rachel's CreperieEgg & brie with with a side of hashbrowns.
Lancaster, PA


Georg DuffnerGeorg has a type; he likes them old.

This grocery store is better than yours, & it knows it.
Los Angeles, CA

Circus CircusIt's like a beautiful, abandoned clock that just keeps running anyway.
Las Vegas, NV

Willie Mae's Scotch HouseShove it, Popeyes.
New Orleans, LA

Ye Olde Pepper Candy CompaniePeppermint, aged at least a few months. (Especially when paired with Wilbur Buds.)


Just take them from hotel rooms. They're not good for much, but they're free.

CharmeryIce cream, fudge, & whipped cream all made in-house, probably by elves.
Baltimore, MD

The sales are great, especially if you're naked.


I showed you mine, now show me yours!

Prime place for a nap.
New York, NY

Neptune OysterHot with butter, just like your mom.
Boston, MA

Confucius#35B. It's like getting stung by angry, delicious insects. Since you like dead birds, also try the peking duck.
Rehoboth, DE

No matter how far you push the envelope, it's still stationery.
New York, NY

Profound literature.

Tiny bang.


El Mercadito Mariachi RestaurantTwo sides of a delectably crispy sea creature.
Los Angeles, CA

HavahartDon't kill what you're not going to eat.

Wash away the shame.

College of Physicians of PhiladelphiaCancer in a jar & the like.
Philadelphia, PA

A way to get a head.
New York, NY


Emily WhiteThe sort that you want.

Lombardi'sBRING CASH
New York, NY

Ladurée6 perfect layers that will distract you from every horror the Mütter Museum reminded you of.
Washington, DC | New York, NYMiami, FL | Los Angeles, CA

Lincklaen HouseWith butter, honey. Also, the best potato chips.
Cazenovia, NY

If you don't dance, your butt needs a new bug.
New Orleans, LA

Shoots without killing.

Tip-top typographer.

San Pedro Fish MarketPick it, get it fried, then eat the whole pile. Watch out for the one-legged gull.
San Pedro, CA


EggslutAs good as the human ones.
Los Angeles, CA | Las Vegas, NV

Ashley MarieThey're so cute, they might kill you.

Light My Fire

A big, beautiful wall......of Swedish gummy candy!Including the original fish & countless other Scandinavian chocolates & confectionery.
Lancaster, PA

Dapper doppler dobson.

Bayco ConfectioneryEat a jelly flower.

Charles-HubertFree service until you expire, so you can watch every futile second tick by.

Wilbur ChocolateThe "Hershey Kiss" is a scam knock-off of this better predecessor. Sue me, Milton.